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Wednesday, December 8, 2010 4:16 PM
How different can we get?
Grow in love don't grow out of love. Here I am blogging about the book again. Today I am going to share what I just learn on chapter 2. Credits are all to the author of the book.
Women always complaint that men do not listen.When women start pouring out their problems and feelings, men will listen without fully paying attention and fully understanding the problem and men will start offering solutions. To men, offering solution is their way of showing their love and care. Men want women to feel better by solving their problems. Men want to be useful to women. But, men get confuse when women does not appreciate this gesture of love. This is because, what a woman wants is empathy not solution. It will become harder for men to listen when their advice is being rejected, they feel useless and hopeless. Men have no idea that by just listening, they can be supportive.
On the other hand, , men have this mind set that women are always trying to change them. When women are in love, they feel that it is their responsibility to help men to improve themselves by telling them what they should do and what they should not do.To women, we feel that we are nurturing him but to men, they feel that they are being controlled. But, what men want is woman's acceptance.
Thus, this can be solved by understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. We should always remember the simple truth; men and women are different. Sometimes its the man's nature that they behave and act this way, and its also woman's nature to feel and behave this way.We cannot blame the men or women only. We should always try to understand the differences.
Nature of men
Power and Skill. " A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results" for example, the way men dress is a reflection of their skills,power and competence. Men are more interested in "things" and "objects" as it express their power, rather than people and feelings. This is the nature of men. They fantasize about powerful cars and gadgets while women fantasize about love,romance,and relationships. Achieving goals are very important to men. It makes them feel better about themselves. Thus, they need to achieve their goals themselves, not with anyone's help unless they seek for advice. This explains why men do not like being told what to do by women.
" To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesnt know what to do or that he cant do it on his own"
The misunderstanding and misinterpretation
Women always complaint that men do not listen.When women start pouring out their problems and feelings, men will listen without fully paying attention and fully understanding the problem and men will start offering solutions. To men, offering solution is their way of showing their love and care. Men want women to feel better by solving their problems. Men want to be useful to women. But, men get confuse when women does not appreciate this gesture of love. This is because, what a woman wants is empathy not solution. It will become harder for men to listen when their advice is being rejected, they feel useless and hopeless. Men have no idea that by just listening, they can be supportive.
On the other hand, , men have this mind set that women are always trying to change them. When women are in love, they feel that it is their responsibility to help men to improve themselves by telling them what they should do and what they should not do.To women, we feel that we are nurturing him but to men, they feel that they are being controlled. But, what men want is woman's acceptance.
Thus, this can be solved by understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. We should always remember the simple truth; men and women are different. Sometimes its the man's nature that they behave and act this way, and its also woman's nature to feel and behave this way.We cannot blame the men or women only. We should always try to understand the differences.
Nature of men
Power and Skill. " A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results" for example, the way men dress is a reflection of their skills,power and competence. Men are more interested in "things" and "objects" as it express their power, rather than people and feelings. This is the nature of men. They fantasize about powerful cars and gadgets while women fantasize about love,romance,and relationships. Achieving goals are very important to men. It makes them feel better about themselves. Thus, they need to achieve their goals themselves, not with anyone's help unless they seek for advice. This explains why men do not like being told what to do by women.
" To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesnt know what to do or that he cant do it on his own"
Nature of women
Is women's nature that we are interested in love,relationship,communication and beauty. " A woman's sense of self defined is through her feelings and the quality of her relationships" For instance, how a woman dress is basically based on their mood at that particular day. It expresses their feelings.
To women, offering help is not offensive and needing help is not a sign of weakness.However, men feel offended when women give advice because they dont feel that women trusts their ability to do things himself. Is also a woman's way of life to be caring to give advice and suggestions; to help as much as they can, when they can. Women have a simple believe that if something is working, it can always work better. Hence, it is woman's nature to want to improve things. Offering advice is an act of love. However, men are solution oriented. they believe that " DONT fix it unless its broken".
Women should give up giving advice. A way of honoring men is to always assume that he can solve his problems unless he is asking for help.
To men " If i cant be trusted to do small things like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do bigger things? "
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to help a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.
Men should learn to listen. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day and her husband thinking he is feeling, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solution to her problems.
Let me give you an example from the book.
Mary came home from a very tiring day and all she wants is to express her feelings to her husband.
Mary : there is so much to do, i dont have time for myself
Tom : You should quit your job
Mary : But i like my job! I cant believe i forgot to call my aunt today.
Tom : DOnt worry, she will understand,
Mary:Do you know what is she going through? she needs me.
Tom :You worry too much thats why your so unhappy.
Mary : I'm not always unhappy! can u just listen to me?
Tom : I am listening!!!
Mary : why do i even bother?!
After this conversation. both got so frustrated and Tom was confused. He did now know why Mary was so angry at him when he did his best to OFFER SOLUTIONS.
Woman needs to be heard not to be fixed. Man needs her acceptance more than her advice.
Thats all for now! Till then! :)